Aggravation

I’m so worried that I’m making a mistake. My fiance and I are supposed to be getting married on September 1st, but I’m thinking I’m making a mistake. She doesn’t support me the way I feel she should. I’m in my Masters program and when I need to do homework all I hear is bitching. It’s starting to get to a point where I just want to drop out in order to avoid arguments.

She doesn’t treat me the way she used to. We’ve been together for almost 6 years and of course the “honeymoon stage” has long since past, but I feel like she should still treat me with respect. I feel she should treat me like gold before our wedding. I don’t want to get a divorce, but if things keep going this way I won’t have any choice but to jade her on our date. I absolutely love her, but she’s changed over the years and I’m wondering if were compatible anymore.

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Happy fucking new year

This time last year I was getting ready to party and have the time of my life. Currently I’m at my fiancĂ©’s sponsors house…snore. I should have just claimed being sick. New Years is supposed to be a party at my age, not sitting around watching a fucking football game.

At the very least I’d like to be with my friends. Instead I’m with people twice my age. Brittany don’t you see how insane this is?! Hell I would have rather stayed home and watched the party in NYC.

My life absolutely sucks now. Brittany likes it but I hate it. This is gonna tear us apart.

Reservations

With the changing of my psych meds it’s been and interesting experience over the last few weeks. I’ve been good, depressed, emotional and hyped up.

They say in recovery that if you have reservations you’re setting yourself up for relapse. The problem I have is how do I combat them?

When it comes to my eating habits I’ve definitely been falling into some behaviors. I keep telling myself that it’s not a road I want to go down. Then I see pictures of myself or I see thin people and I instantly want to lose weight by any means possible. I haven’t had a relapse with bulimia even though there’s days when I have to convince myself not to.

When it comes to my drug use I’ve had some really bad urges to use any stimulant possible. I’ve had a noticeable increase in nicotine and caffeine lately. I’ve even been using caffeine pills when the urges get really bad. Adderall would do the trick but that’s not what I want. I want fucking cocaine real bad. I’m missing the whole experience.

My head keeps telling me that once I have some time I can go back out and only use sometimes but I know it won’t be sometimes. I know if I start using it’ll help me lose weight and the cycle will happen all over again. I also know that cocaine is getting cut with fentanyl where I live. A part of me just doesn’t care.

If I keep my reservations alive they may just kill me.

Torn in half

One of the worst things about being Borderline is this constant battle that goes on in your head. You see the world as black and white when really the word is all different shades of gray.

While in the hospital they discussed these concepts with me. They told me to write, learn what I’m feeling, and to look at the world in various different ways. This is not something I’ve mastered and some days are better than others.

Recently I’ve been very sick. I haven’t really been up for more than an hour without having to go back to bed. I haven’t been to work since last Wednesday and I have Monday off. I’ve felt useless and guilty staying home. Since I’ve been contagious I haven’t really had the choice but to stay home.

Staying home alone and being Borderline is NOT a good mix. No matter how much time you’re asleep, you’re awake just enough to start overthinking everything. There aren’t any distractions; it’s just you sitting in your own shit coming up with all black and white answers to everything that isn’t going the way you want it to.

Your head starts spinning and you start making plans. You start to dissociate from yourself. And all you want to do is to start implementing those plans and yet because your sick you’re stuck in bed looking at the ceiling just waiting for your fever to spike and for the lights to go out.

In the shadows

When I was more fucked up I always wanted to be in the shadows hidden from the world and recognition. As I’ve become properly medicated and working harder than I ever have in my life, I feel as if I’m still in the shadows, just not of my own free will.

I feel if I’m already in the shadows I miswell stay there. Being proud of everyone else’s accomplishments from afar. I know this comes across as self pity but there’s so much going on in my head I just wanna run. I wanna keep running until my legs and lungs give out. I wanna go into a vacant field and scream. But I won’t. I’ll just stay in my corner and watch as everyone else passes me by.

Clothes don’t fit

It takes me forever to get dressed. Everything I put on I see bulging. I need to invest in big clothes so people can't see how big I've become.

I've cut my calories in half over the past few weeks and yet I'm still a cow. Today I've eaten 300 calories. I'm at my fiancée family dinner. Not sure I'll get away with getting rid of it. So I'll have to work it off.

By Christmas I wanna be thin again. I'll go so far as buy supplements to reduce my appetite.