90 days 

Today is 90 days and June 1st. My fiancé is not moving back in today. In March we discussed June 1st and then at the end of April she said June 1st and then in the middle of May she said June 1st. It’s June 1st and it’s not happening. 

They say recovery is wonderful and gives you many gifts but so far I don’t have any gifts. I have an empty house with a dog that misbehaves so badly that I want to get rid of him. I’m beginning to feel like all of this is bullshit. I don’t want to spend so much fucking time going to meetings and meeting with my sponsor if all of this is a waste of my time. 

What I have learned is not to hope for anything. Most times you’ll be disappointed. All I have been is disappointed since this recovery bullshit has started. I’d rather be fucking high all the time and miserable instead of miserable and clean. 


Author: laurenmryan93

January 2nd 2017 changed my life. It was on this day that my fiancé decided she was going to get clean..I did not but I became abstinence for her. By January 8th I had to be admitted for my Bipolar and for a diagnosis that I would receive in the hospital, Borderline Personality Disorder. I had relapsed with my eating disorder before being admitted so I had a lot of recovering to do. At 40 days abstinent I relapsed on drugs. I quickly got out of control and realized that maybe I was a drug addict after all. On March 4th 2017 I decided to attend NA on my own. It hasn't been easy. I had used drugs to live and to deal with my mental health. But I've now chosen to be honest with my treatment team and I'm whole heartedly in recovery from drug addiction, bulimia, Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not another statistic, I am not a lost cause.

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