They say in recovery that there are times in early recovery where you ride on this pink cloud and feel like “I got this.” The urges to use aren’t something that really take a toll on you and you can usually handle them.
I most definitely was riding on a pink cloud. Mine has now popped and blown away. The urges to use are extreme. Thinking about using gets me excited. I see bottles with controlled substance stickers on them and instantly want to see if it’s my drug of choice…or something better.
Songs, shows or discussion in meetings about angel dust get me going really bad. I start thinking about how I’ll get some and/or how I’ll combine them with other things. I think about how all the weight I’ve gained will come off quickly.
That’s the next thing. I’ve gained a substantial amount of weight. My counselor is helping me to eat right but all I see is a growing belly and big thighs. My head keeps screaming at me about my weight gain and how I need to shed some of it. I keep trying to wake up in the morning to exercise but I can never seem to get up. This stupid medication works wonders for my mental illness but for my weight it kills me. I’ve even thought about getting those vitamins that curb your appetite, at least until I can control my eating urges.
I’ve told myself that once my Ben and Jerrys ice cream is gone (there’s not much left) that I’ll go on a detox to jump start my system.
I NEED to have overall wellness. I have to take it seriously so I can live a good life and start a family.