Having Difficulties

In recovery there will be times when things can get difficult. I'm coming up on 6 months clean and I'm having a very difficult time.

Now that I have some time, I believe that I can have control over using. I feel like I can drink and use pot without doing other things. They say if you have this thought process your reserving space for a relapse.

I want to feel rebellious again. I wanna have this feeling like "fuck the man!" Not only that but I'm now HUGE! I mean to the point where I want to resort to anything to get this weight off. Everyone thinks I look healthy but all I see is 50lbs that need to be shed. I even talked to my counselor about it but she was more concerned about the fact that I'm experiencing a lot of dissociation.

I just don't know how to handle everything. I feel like I've lost all control. That my world is just going on all by itself and I have no say.


Author: laurenmryan93

January 2nd 2017 changed my life. It was on this day that my fiancé decided she was going to get clean..I did not but I became abstinence for her. By January 8th I had to be admitted for my Bipolar and for a diagnosis that I would receive in the hospital, Borderline Personality Disorder. I had relapsed with my eating disorder before being admitted so I had a lot of recovering to do. At 40 days abstinent I relapsed on drugs. I quickly got out of control and realized that maybe I was a drug addict after all. On March 4th 2017 I decided to attend NA on my own. It hasn't been easy. I had used drugs to live and to deal with my mental health. But I've now chosen to be honest with my treatment team and I'm whole heartedly in recovery from drug addiction, bulimia, Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not another statistic, I am not a lost cause.

2 thoughts on “Having Difficulties”

  1. I can sympathise with everything you said. According to my eating disorder doctor, i am not really going anywhere after only 7 weeks. I am struggling to up my weight even though the smallest gain i see as a massive gain. The anorexic voice really will not let go of me. I am desperately wanting to speak to a counsellor but have been to told its early to start this treatment as my body is still in starvation mode. I feel i have no control anymore too.


    1. The first thing I was told was talk to a gp, get a nutritionist and a counselor. I’m not a doctor by any means but I don’t see the harm in seeing a counselor. A psychiatrist I can understand not being able to see yet. While your body is in starvation mood the medications won’t work right.
      I’ve been in and out of recovery for years. The voices get quieter as time goes on but during stressful situations they get louder. The key is to try and not listen. This is very difficult and I still haven’t mastered it.
      I hope things get better for you

      Liked by 1 person

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