With the changing of my psych meds it’s been and interesting experience over the last few weeks. I’ve been good, depressed, emotional and hyped up.
They say in recovery that if you have reservations you’re setting yourself up for relapse. The problem I have is how do I combat them?
When it comes to my eating habits I’ve definitely been falling into some behaviors. I keep telling myself that it’s not a road I want to go down. Then I see pictures of myself or I see thin people and I instantly want to lose weight by any means possible. I haven’t had a relapse with bulimia even though there’s days when I have to convince myself not to.
When it comes to my drug use I’ve had some really bad urges to use any stimulant possible. I’ve had a noticeable increase in nicotine and caffeine lately. I’ve even been using caffeine pills when the urges get really bad. Adderall would do the trick but that’s not what I want. I want fucking cocaine real bad. I’m missing the whole experience.
My head keeps telling me that once I have some time I can go back out and only use sometimes but I know it won’t be sometimes. I know if I start using it’ll help me lose weight and the cycle will happen all over again. I also know that cocaine is getting cut with fentanyl where I live. A part of me just doesn’t care.
If I keep my reservations alive they may just kill me.
One of the worst things about being Borderline is this constant battle that goes on in your head. You see the world as black and white when really the word is all different shades of gray.
While in the hospital they discussed these concepts with me. They told me to write, learn what I’m feeling, and to look at the world in various different ways. This is not something I’ve mastered and some days are better than others.
Recently I’ve been very sick. I haven’t really been up for more than an hour without having to go back to bed. I haven’t been to work since last Wednesday and I have Monday off. I’ve felt useless and guilty staying home. Since I’ve been contagious I haven’t really had the choice but to stay home.
Staying home alone and being Borderline is NOT a good mix. No matter how much time you’re asleep, you’re awake just enough to start overthinking everything. There aren’t any distractions; it’s just you sitting in your own shit coming up with all black and white answers to everything that isn’t going the way you want it to.
Your head starts spinning and you start making plans. You start to dissociate from yourself. And all you want to do is to start implementing those plans and yet because your sick you’re stuck in bed looking at the ceiling just waiting for your fever to spike and for the lights to go out.
When I was more fucked up I always wanted to be in the shadows hidden from the world and recognition. As I’ve become properly medicated and working harder than I ever have in my life, I feel as if I’m still in the shadows, just not of my own free will.
I feel if I’m already in the shadows I miswell stay there. Being proud of everyone else’s accomplishments from afar. I know this comes across as self pity but there’s so much going on in my head I just wanna run. I wanna keep running until my legs and lungs give out. I wanna go into a vacant field and scream. But I won’t. I’ll just stay in my corner and watch as everyone else passes me by.
It takes me forever to get dressed. Everything I put on I see bulging. I need to invest in big clothes so people can't see how big I've become.
I've cut my calories in half over the past few weeks and yet I'm still a cow. Today I've eaten 300 calories. I'm at my fiancée family dinner. Not sure I'll get away with getting rid of it. So I'll have to work it off.
By Christmas I wanna be thin again. I'll go so far as buy supplements to reduce my appetite.
I'm planning an ED relapse. My meds have caused A LOT of it so I'm going to stop taking those. People say they don't really do anything for me anyway so I should test it.
Lunch: nothing (if I have to I'll eat and then purge it at work)
Dinner: just a little so my fiancé doesn't expect anything. If she leaves then I'll purge it.
Exercise: walk/run every day.
Diet pills: a must. Multiple times a day
I NEED to lose 20lbs so that I can fit back into my clothes again.
Eating disorder recovery is NOT about getting fat and being ok with it. It's becoming healthy and yet my fucking meds have me turning into my fat ass mother! That will NOT be me. I'll make myself crazy before that happens.
In recovery there will be times when things can get difficult. I'm coming up on 6 months clean and I'm having a very difficult time.
Now that I have some time, I believe that I can have control over using. I feel like I can drink and use pot without doing other things. They say if you have this thought process your reserving space for a relapse.
I want to feel rebellious again. I wanna have this feeling like "fuck the man!" Not only that but I'm now HUGE! I mean to the point where I want to resort to anything to get this weight off. Everyone thinks I look healthy but all I see is 50lbs that need to be shed. I even talked to my counselor about it but she was more concerned about the fact that I'm experiencing a lot of dissociation.
I just don't know how to handle everything. I feel like I've lost all control. That my world is just going on all by itself and I have no say.
Today: fiancé caused me to be 45 min late to work.
Work: program not up and running. Awaiting benefits exam results. A coworker/program partner is a charged thief and forger and in the middle of a court case for stealing medications. Causing paranoia in me that she'll steal something from me. Has only been employed a week and hasn't worked a full week yet.
Medical: frequent nosebleeds. Headaches. Elbow and wrist pain from them being broken a few years back. Bursa in my foot.
Weight: heaviest I've ever been in my life. People think I look great.
Addiction: feeling like I don't qualify. Garbage can addict.
That's enough to cause anyone anxiety. For me I have a generalized anxiety disorder so all of that is causing me to go overboard. Not only because I have those things going on but just the day to day anxiety. I talked to my doctor about it and he put me back on Ativan. So now I have to worry about my fiancé not getting into that.
There's so much going on I'm trying to keep it together. I feel like I'm slipping into a depression. I just want to be ok. I hate that there's always a battle in my head. All I want is to be healthy and happy.