A Waste? 

I’m in what people call a “funk” when it comes to my drug addiction recovery. I don’t see myself as really having a problem. Next Thursday I’ll be at 90 days and I wouldn’t say it’s been that difficult. I see people struggling to make 6 months and I’m like, “am I really an addict? Do I actually need to be part of the NA program?” 

I don’t feel like I have a connection with my sponsor and that may be because:

1.) She’s not what I need in a sponsor. 

2.) I don’t have a problem that needs a sponsors         assistance. 

I’m beginning to feel like this NA thing is a waste of time for me. I have nothing to add to the meetings. I don’t get anything out of the meetings. Meeting with my sponsor is a waste. Like if I really needed this program I’d be grateful like all the other people that are in it. 

I Cried 

May 18th I finally cried. I couldn’t handle living in my place. I was upset about my weight gain. I felt frustrated because I felt that my fiancé was beginning to move on with her life and I was stuck. I couldn’t handle all the different emotions I was feeling and all of a sudden I started crying. 

I called my sponsor because I felt that living in recovery wasn’t worth it. At that point I felt that my entire life was falling apart. My sponsor walked me through my feelings and calmed me down. She reminded me of the importance of meditation and praying to my higher power. She also stated that she felt I needed to move because my place was beginning to be detrimental to my recovery. My counselor agreed. 

I’m glad that I didn’t act out on any of my urges. How would self-destructing help the situation? All it would have done is push my recovery back and hurt me. This is something that I need to constantly remind myself of. 

At this point in my life I’m the healthiest I’ve been in many years. Why would I want to mess with that? I don’t want to be miserable which means I have to continue to take care of myself. 

Taking Care of Me 

Although I haven’t really been able to feel a whole lot recently I did, unfortunately, weigh myself and took my measurements. Anyone in recovery from and eating disorder, do NOT do this to yourself. You will instantly be furious with yourself and want to start up with your behaviors all over again. 

I discussed this with my counselor today. I told her that I want to have a baby within the next few years. The issue is I can’t engage in behaviors that could damage myself if I want to have a healthy mindset and body. We discussed things I could do moving forward. 

Her suggestion was that I come up with a food plan that will keep my body healthy but also to maintain my weight within the healthy range. She also suggested that I speak with my psychiatrist about me wanting to have a child within the next few years. It gave me hope and something to strive for. I just need to remember that I need to take care of myself now so that I can be the best mom I can be later. 

Trying to Feel

I still haven’t been able to feel much as of late. I sense that I’m depressed due to my lack of motivation and being considerably tired all the time. I went to my NA home group on Monday and celebrated 60 days…although I’m 69 days clean. While there I shared and asked for “experience, strength and hope.” The most I got from them was one woman who hadn’t cried in almost two years during her early recovery. Other people stated how they are “emotional roller coasters.” During my first 45 days I was an emotional wreck. I was so depressed that I’d lay on my bathroom floor for hours crying and barely able to move.  Then all of a sudden it stopped. 

I’m not a doctor. I’m only a masters student in clinical mental health. But from the research I’ve conducted my body has gone into “protective mode.” It means subconsciously my mind felt it was feeling too much so it decided to not allow me to feel anything at all. It’s frustrating because I don’t know how to tell myself that it’s ok to feel. That I’ve learned tools over the last five months that could help me through some of those feelings.  What I’m nervous about is when i eventually explode with all the emotions that have been building up. 

Looking back I mostly definitely looked forward to using when I went into these states because although I may not have been able to feel emotions, I could at least feel high. The tough part is having to endure this clean and without the support of my eating disorder. 

Going back to using wouldn’t kill me right away. Relapsing with my eating disorder will. Regardless both could lead me to institutions or death. I’m not currently feeling suicidal at all. 

I see my counselor on Saturday. I will discuss some of what’s been going on. Maybe she’ll find ways to help my mind stop utilizing this method of protection. 

All I can do right now is stay focused on my recovery and learn as I go along. 

Numb

Part of the reason I engaged in self-destructive behaviors is because there would be times when all I left was numb. And all I wanted to do was feel something. This week has been one of those times. All week it has been a struggle to remain in a recovery mindset. Such a struggle that I am exhausted from keeping myself in recovery. 

I’ve definitely been tempted to go ahead and disregard recovery all together. Then there were times when I said “I’ll just stay in recovery from drugs, but I can resume my eating disorder behaviors.” And then I met someone who is going through a physical illness and is so thin it’s painful to look at. That got my mind racing. Since amphetimeans were a big issue for me I thought of resuming them so I could be that thin. 

I had to do a lot of reaching out this week. Ana was talking so loudly. And then when I wouldn’t listen Mia started to drop hints of times I could compensate for my food intake. In turn I wasn’t sleeping well or at all and so that just wanted to make me use. 

My OCD has been really bad lately probably because I can’t utilize my other ways of dealing with the anxiety I have. The medication they use to treat it can’t be upped in risk of putting me into a manic psychosis. Due to my sleep problems I did get put on a non addicting medication to help with that. I should have that medication by early next week. The hope is that it’ll help with sleep and lower the compulsions I’m having. 

What im beginning to learn is that recovery is a balancing act. It’s definitely not easy but with everything I’ve read and heard, recovery is worth it. 

Denial

It comes with the drug territory. Today I’m in complete denial. When it comes to a drug addict we generally think of emaciated people who use needles or have nose bleeds. 

I wouldn’t say I was emaciated but from what people tell me, I was close. Yes it was definitely in part from my drug of choice but mostly from my lack of eating or during my bulimic episodes. The problem I’m having is that I don’t think I qualify as a drug addict. They say “it’s not what or how much you used,” but in a round about way isn’t it? 

My fiancé and I are both clean. She’s having a much more difficult time than I am and it’s because she had a real problem. If a drug addict asked to hear my story about drug use, they would laugh and say I couldn’t possibly understand drug addiction. 

I feel that people want me to say I’m an addict. They don’t understand my complex because they don’t have a complex. Their addiction is clear and evident. My use could be considered experimental. 

First Sober Holiday 

(Me on the left, Brittany on the right)

Today was the first holiday that my fiancé and I were clean for. That hasn’t happened in many years. We always thought we were hiding it well but looking back at pictures, anyone with a brain could tell we were on something. 

We got in the car this morning, our vapes in hand, ready for what the day would hold. Before leaving the driveway we decided that no matter what happened today we were going to go to an NA meeting. 

Shockingly my family did wonderfully! They hugged Brittany and they complimented us on not only how we dressed but how we actually looked. It felt good. We weren’t just putting on a show, we were actually present. We ate…a lot. I wasn’t thrilled with myself…with that being said I declined a drink my father offered me. 

We then went to brittanys step family. While there one of her step fathers brother in law stated that drug addicts deserve what they get. That hurt. What is it that I deserve? Do I deserve to die because I was self-medicating myself? Do I deserve to be homeless because my head got out of control? What exactly do I deserve? 

Of course that family is Italian so there was A LOT of food. To be nice, I ate again… After hearing that I deserved everything I get to me I instantly planned on going on a binge purge spree. I figured I’ll go to the NA meeting so that I don’t get high but after I’m going to do what I want…since that’s what I deserve. Then it hit me, do I really deserve to punish myself? What has my body done to me?

Over the last few days I’ve definitely struggled with my body. I have gained a lot of weight since leaving the hospital and it’s scary to me. I don’t like how I look, I feel like 100lbs bigger than I am. It could be because I was stressing about the holiday or that I’ve met a person in the full thros of bulimia. 

The thing about eating disorders is that they get competitive. Everyone wants to be the thinnest by any means possible. The sick part of my brain says “now that your clean you can pay more attention to your eating disorder” and “your thinner than [said woman] but prove to her that your a better/stronger bulimic.” All of those thoughts are my addictive brain trying to find its way back into my life. 

January 6 is the last time I engaged in eating disorder behaviors. In the hospital I decided to eat healthy. I ate all the meals to the best I could and didn’t do anything to compensate. I felt like I was accomplishing something. After leaving the hospital I maintained the regime. I kept that work up and relapsed on drugs. 

On March 4 I didn’t just decide to be clean. I decided to start recovery, in all areas of my life. Yes! It is a constant struggle and some days I just want to say “the hell with it all” But all these ways I’ve tried to deal with emotions have lead me no where except more pain. 

I just have to remind myself to live one day at a time and to appreciate that I have emotions for a reason.