Everyday Life

What’s the point of living in recovery? They say it’s so that we can be “productive members of society.” I don’t want to be an acceptable and productive member of society. Aligning myself to those standards makes me live like every other fucking person in the world. I get up, go to work, make dinner and then go to bed. We do that same routine every fucking day for the next 40 years. How pointless is that? 

What do we live for? We have a whole world to experience and we won’t be able to experience even half of it. 

We are a controlled society. Just a human machine governed by the governments to make sure we don’t get out of hand. We work day in and day out just so that we can live paycheck to paycheck and put more money in the pockets of those who don’t need it. 

Using drugs was like saying “fuck the man! I don’t give a shit what you say!” Now that I’m in “recovery” I’m just bowing down and submitting to their terms on how to live in their governed society. 

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Pink Cloud Popped

They say in recovery that there are times in early recovery where you ride on this pink cloud and feel like “I got this.” The urges to use aren’t something that really take a toll on you and you can usually handle them. 

I most definitely was riding on a pink cloud. Mine has now popped and blown away. The urges to use are extreme. Thinking about using gets me excited. I see bottles with controlled substance stickers on them and instantly want to see if it’s my drug of choice…or something better. 

Songs, shows or discussion in meetings about angel dust get me going really bad. I start thinking about how I’ll get some and/or how I’ll combine them with other things. I think about how all the weight I’ve gained will come off quickly. 

That’s the next thing. I’ve gained a substantial amount of weight. My counselor is helping me to eat right but all I see is a growing belly and big thighs. My head keeps screaming at me about my weight gain and how I need to shed some of it. I keep trying to wake up in the morning to exercise but I can never seem to get up. This stupid medication works wonders for my mental illness but for my weight it kills me. I’ve even thought about getting those vitamins that curb your appetite, at least until I can control my eating urges. 

I’ve told myself that once my Ben and Jerrys ice cream is gone (there’s not much left) that I’ll go on a detox to jump start my system.

I NEED to have overall wellness. I have to take it seriously so I can live a good life and start a family. 

90 days 

Today is 90 days and June 1st. My fiancé is not moving back in today. In March we discussed June 1st and then at the end of April she said June 1st and then in the middle of May she said June 1st. It’s June 1st and it’s not happening. 

They say recovery is wonderful and gives you many gifts but so far I don’t have any gifts. I have an empty house with a dog that misbehaves so badly that I want to get rid of him. I’m beginning to feel like all of this is bullshit. I don’t want to spend so much fucking time going to meetings and meeting with my sponsor if all of this is a waste of my time. 

What I have learned is not to hope for anything. Most times you’ll be disappointed. All I have been is disappointed since this recovery bullshit has started. I’d rather be fucking high all the time and miserable instead of miserable and clean. 

A Waste? 

I’m in what people call a “funk” when it comes to my drug addiction recovery. I don’t see myself as really having a problem. Next Thursday I’ll be at 90 days and I wouldn’t say it’s been that difficult. I see people struggling to make 6 months and I’m like, “am I really an addict? Do I actually need to be part of the NA program?” 

I don’t feel like I have a connection with my sponsor and that may be because:

1.) She’s not what I need in a sponsor. 

2.) I don’t have a problem that needs a sponsors         assistance. 

I’m beginning to feel like this NA thing is a waste of time for me. I have nothing to add to the meetings. I don’t get anything out of the meetings. Meeting with my sponsor is a waste. Like if I really needed this program I’d be grateful like all the other people that are in it. 

I Cried 

May 18th I finally cried. I couldn’t handle living in my place. I was upset about my weight gain. I felt frustrated because I felt that my fiancé was beginning to move on with her life and I was stuck. I couldn’t handle all the different emotions I was feeling and all of a sudden I started crying. 

I called my sponsor because I felt that living in recovery wasn’t worth it. At that point I felt that my entire life was falling apart. My sponsor walked me through my feelings and calmed me down. She reminded me of the importance of meditation and praying to my higher power. She also stated that she felt I needed to move because my place was beginning to be detrimental to my recovery. My counselor agreed. 

I’m glad that I didn’t act out on any of my urges. How would self-destructing help the situation? All it would have done is push my recovery back and hurt me. This is something that I need to constantly remind myself of. 

At this point in my life I’m the healthiest I’ve been in many years. Why would I want to mess with that? I don’t want to be miserable which means I have to continue to take care of myself. 

Taking Care of Me 

Although I haven’t really been able to feel a whole lot recently I did, unfortunately, weigh myself and took my measurements. Anyone in recovery from and eating disorder, do NOT do this to yourself. You will instantly be furious with yourself and want to start up with your behaviors all over again. 

I discussed this with my counselor today. I told her that I want to have a baby within the next few years. The issue is I can’t engage in behaviors that could damage myself if I want to have a healthy mindset and body. We discussed things I could do moving forward. 

Her suggestion was that I come up with a food plan that will keep my body healthy but also to maintain my weight within the healthy range. She also suggested that I speak with my psychiatrist about me wanting to have a child within the next few years. It gave me hope and something to strive for. I just need to remember that I need to take care of myself now so that I can be the best mom I can be later. 

Trying to Feel

I still haven’t been able to feel much as of late. I sense that I’m depressed due to my lack of motivation and being considerably tired all the time. I went to my NA home group on Monday and celebrated 60 days…although I’m 69 days clean. While there I shared and asked for “experience, strength and hope.” The most I got from them was one woman who hadn’t cried in almost two years during her early recovery. Other people stated how they are “emotional roller coasters.” During my first 45 days I was an emotional wreck. I was so depressed that I’d lay on my bathroom floor for hours crying and barely able to move.  Then all of a sudden it stopped. 

I’m not a doctor. I’m only a masters student in clinical mental health. But from the research I’ve conducted my body has gone into “protective mode.” It means subconsciously my mind felt it was feeling too much so it decided to not allow me to feel anything at all. It’s frustrating because I don’t know how to tell myself that it’s ok to feel. That I’ve learned tools over the last five months that could help me through some of those feelings.  What I’m nervous about is when i eventually explode with all the emotions that have been building up. 

Looking back I mostly definitely looked forward to using when I went into these states because although I may not have been able to feel emotions, I could at least feel high. The tough part is having to endure this clean and without the support of my eating disorder. 

Going back to using wouldn’t kill me right away. Relapsing with my eating disorder will. Regardless both could lead me to institutions or death. I’m not currently feeling suicidal at all. 

I see my counselor on Saturday. I will discuss some of what’s been going on. Maybe she’ll find ways to help my mind stop utilizing this method of protection. 

All I can do right now is stay focused on my recovery and learn as I go along.