Once upon a time

I believe that everyone gets their happy ending, whether or not they meet someone. Our happy endings could be any number of things. Mine I hope will be with my fiancé. She makes me a better person. 

Together we decided we’d start planning our wedding in January. January 2 Brittany decided we should try going clean and by January 8 I was admitted myself to a psych hospital. (Doesn’t seem like an ideal time to plan a wedding, don’t you think?) With that being the case we decided to put off the wedding. 

I have my issues, abandonment being one of them, and her not living at home has exasperated those feelings. She can tell me all she wants that she loves me but I can never seem to get that through my head. 

Before going into the hospital I was doing a high stress job and no one in the department was helping me. I had so much work and later I found out I was one of the top people in the agency. No one told me that and all I kept hearing was that I needed to do more. They say stress caused my psychosis. 

When I was released I told the agency I would no longer do that job. They were surprised but I told them I just couldn’t keep up. They then employeed someone else while I stepped into a new position within the same agency. Since this new employee has gotten into the position they have held him through. I’m learning to not let that consume me. He is getting married in June. 

I saw Brittany today and she said “I’m so glad that they’re holding his hand so he can get married. My wedding had to get cancelled because the amount of stess they put on you. You got shit on by the agency!” 

I feel the same way…but regardless it made me feel good to see that she’s hurt by the fact that our wedding had to be cancelled. It made my mind realize that I even through the shit storm we’ve been through, she still wants me to be her wife. 

We have a lot of healing to do, but every day I feel stronger and a better communicator. I’m becoming a better person who she’s gonna be happy she waited to marry. 

Psychosis

Part of my story includes psychosis. It runs in my family and good thing I know of that history. It helped me identify when it was beginning to happen to me. 

I’m diagnosed with Bipolar and Borderline. Both disorders can have this symptom. Medication has helped. There are still days when I have a delusion and have to reach out. I won’t have to do this my entire life. But today was one of those days I had to reach out. At first I became embarrassed, but then I realized the importance to my health it is to reach out. 

A mind like mine likes to live in chaos and be isolated. It thrives on keeping secrets. Look how well that worked out for me. What I came to realize is that no one who cares about me is going judge me. If anything they’ll be proud of me for talking with them so I don’t end up in a downward spiral. 

Putting my recovery first means putting away my reservations and asking for help when I need it. 

Longest I’ve been clean in 5 years

When you’re in the midst of any addiction you don’t realize your an addict. At times you may have your suspicions but quickly your mind justifies what you’re doing. 

This happened with both my eating disorder and my drug addiction. Then someone pointed out to me what I already had suspicions about and I got mad. Probably because I was caught. I couldn’t justify to someone what I was doing. Mainly because when I went to formulate my argument I realized it sounded even insane to me. 

The first step to recovery is admitting you are powerless over your addiction. 

I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for 8 years. There have been times I’ve been healthy and other times of relapse. Each relapse got worse. But with that being said I have enough time under my belt to be able to say I’m powerless over that addiction. 

My addiction to drugs gradually happened. I like to say my gateway drug was alcohol. Being only 24 I could justify myself because “this is what you do in your 20s.” I thought “I need to get partying out of my system.” The problem was I didn’t see an end to this glamorous life. How I thought I could become a mom while doing this I have no idea. I’ve only come to terms with being a drug addict 41 days ago. And some days my sick side of me convinces myself that “this time I’ll have control.” Last time I was clean i took half a shot of vodka and quickly went on a two week binge on any and all drugs. That wasn’t control and next time I won’t have control either. 

With that being said part of me doesn’t believe I’m powerless, but the healthy part of me puts up a good fight. In truth, I am powerless over my drug addiction. No amount of self-will will keep me clean long term. 

Test of Recovery 

One of my favorite things I enjoyed while using was sitting around a table while using. I’m not sure why I enjoyed it. We really didn’t do anything but talk or we’d just sit there looking at each other. 

Today I was with people who didn’t want to use to have fun. We took a small road trip to a park to walk around and see the waterfalls. It started off really well. 

We tried taking a selfie of the four of us and failed. So a woman came up and asked us if she could take one for us. She did. As she was taking it I noticed the eating disorder recovery symbol tattooed on her wrist. I told her I liked it and hope she was doing well. She then looked at me and “I’m sorry you know  what this means.” I showed her mine on my ribs. Although it’s said we know what it means it was a connection in the public that I had never had before. It was awesome to see someone that far away working on their own journey towards recovery. 

On the way home one of our “friends” was nodding off. He had gone to the bathroom right before we left thinking nothing of it. It became clear within a little while that he had used. At only 37 days clean that suck to watch. I wanted to use just as much as he did but had battled with myself all day not to. 

Right now my goal is to just not use today. I will battle tomorrow when the day actually starts. Just for today I will remain clean. 

35 days clean

I hate the weekends most. It’s the time I used the most. It’s the time I’d mix my drugs to see how messed up I could get. I’d go out, go to shows. I ended up getting into the “in crowd” where I’d sit in the VIP rooms hanging out with the headliner. The life I was leading seemed glamorous.

My fiancé doesn’t live with me right now because she too used. We used together. Not only on weekends but also throughout the week. We couldn’t even leave our professional  jobs without using.

Now that I’m living clean my life has become more low key. Now that my fiancé isn’t living at home my life is quiet.

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder it should be noted that one of  the symptoms is not being able to be alone. Being alone makes me feel abandoned even if it’s an irrational feeling. Having the disorder, being alone, especially trying to go through recovery from a drug addiction, is making it that much more difficult.

My fiancé is living with my boss. In my mind, my boss has chosen her recovery over my own. She knows how much pain I’m in because of it but doesnt seem to care. As long as my fiancé is working on her recovery she’s happy.

They say I should be focusing on my own recovery at this point. I am. I’ve done more work than I think they realized. And I’ve done it by reaching out to people. I’ve done it by myself. I don’t have someone guiding me through every moment. My sponsor told me that if my fiancé is having her recovery handed to her than it won’t last. My recovery is definitely going to last because I’m doing it through my own motivation.

I should give myself more credit. I was released on 1/17/17 from the hospital. I came out with a Bipolar and Borderline diagnosis. I had relapsed with bulimia and was being told by my treatment team that I should consider looking into drug treatment. Here I am 4/7/17 recovering, living on my own and working full time. No one is holding my hand. I’m doing it. With that being said I’m so exhausted all the time. Every day, every moment I’m fighting. The thing is I’m fighting to take my life back. I’m fighting to find myself.

30 Days Clean

Who would have thought going into a party on New Years Eve that the year 2017 was the year that my whole life would change? I certainly didn’t. I was used to the party scene every weekend, using drugs on the daily, experiencing a emotional roller coaster and trying to combat a relapse from my eating disorder. The last thing I thought going into the new year was that I was a drug addict. 

When you think of drug addicts you think of people shooting up. I wasn’t that type of addict so how could I be a drug addict? This was the dilemma I had when my fiancé said she was getting clean. Within days of getting clean I had to be hospitalized for a psychosis that had gradually been coming on for about two months. It was in that hospital I learned I not only had Bipolar but that I also had what insurance companies call a lost cause aka Borderline Personality Disorder. 

I went through a detox and still didn’t think I was an addict. Every so often my fiancé would drag me to an NA meeting and I’d think “I’m not like these people.” The problem was my addiction didn’t want me to think I was like them when really I was. 

At 40 days abstinent I had less than a shot of vodka in a drink and that was the end of it. I spiraled out of control. It was only then that I played the whole tape through. 

Over the last two years my house looked like a crack house. We didn’t have any food in the house and our living room was filled with illicit drugs and there was empty alcohol bottles scattered along the floor. But even knowing that I still didn’t think I was an addict. Then I started remembering doing lines of cocaine off my desk at work, going on adderall binges and creating drug concoctions on the daily. What made me realize that I may have a problem was when I sat in my house alone and prepared myself to shoot up. When did drugs not become fun anymore? 

My fiancé couldn’t stand being around me. I was having personality changes as quickly as a hummingbirds wings. There’d be weeks I couldn’t sleep and become irritable as all hell. Then there’d be times I was supportive of her clean time. Problem was she never knew who she was getting. 

My fiancé also struggles with Bipolar and a severe case of ADHD. She had stopped taking her medication and shot into a debilitating mania. For weeks she wouldn’t come home at night. Her not being around I had ample amounts of time to think about my drug use and where it had gotten me. 

March 4th I walked into an NA meeting on my own by myself and decided then that I needed to get clean. I couldn’t do the same shit anymore. I couldn’t live always trying to get the next high. I couldn’t end up in a hospital again. I decided then that I was not only going to be abstinent I was also going to work the program. 

Working the program is not easy. It forces you to really look at yourself. It makes you feel emotions you haven’t felt in a long time. At the basic text says “we lived to use and used to live.” No matter what emotion I was having I’d mask it with using. Take the drugs away and the flood gates open. 

Today I got my orange 30 day chip and although it’s been hell, getting that chip made me want to work harder and get the next chip. 

Here you will watch my transformation and my journey. It won’t be all rainbows and butterflies. It will be a real depiction of someone recovering from mental illness, bulimia and drug addiction.