Who would have thought going into a party on New Years Eve that the year 2017 was the year that my whole life would change? I certainly didn’t. I was used to the party scene every weekend, using drugs on the daily, experiencing a emotional roller coaster and trying to combat a relapse from my eating disorder. The last thing I thought going into the new year was that I was a drug addict.
When you think of drug addicts you think of people shooting up. I wasn’t that type of addict so how could I be a drug addict? This was the dilemma I had when my fiancé said she was getting clean. Within days of getting clean I had to be hospitalized for a psychosis that had gradually been coming on for about two months. It was in that hospital I learned I not only had Bipolar but that I also had what insurance companies call a lost cause aka Borderline Personality Disorder.
I went through a detox and still didn’t think I was an addict. Every so often my fiancé would drag me to an NA meeting and I’d think “I’m not like these people.” The problem was my addiction didn’t want me to think I was like them when really I was.
At 40 days abstinent I had less than a shot of vodka in a drink and that was the end of it. I spiraled out of control. It was only then that I played the whole tape through.
Over the last two years my house looked like a crack house. We didn’t have any food in the house and our living room was filled with illicit drugs and there was empty alcohol bottles scattered along the floor. But even knowing that I still didn’t think I was an addict. Then I started remembering doing lines of cocaine off my desk at work, going on adderall binges and creating drug concoctions on the daily. What made me realize that I may have a problem was when I sat in my house alone and prepared myself to shoot up. When did drugs not become fun anymore?
My fiancé couldn’t stand being around me. I was having personality changes as quickly as a hummingbirds wings. There’d be weeks I couldn’t sleep and become irritable as all hell. Then there’d be times I was supportive of her clean time. Problem was she never knew who she was getting.
My fiancé also struggles with Bipolar and a severe case of ADHD. She had stopped taking her medication and shot into a debilitating mania. For weeks she wouldn’t come home at night. Her not being around I had ample amounts of time to think about my drug use and where it had gotten me.
March 4th I walked into an NA meeting on my own by myself and decided then that I needed to get clean. I couldn’t do the same shit anymore. I couldn’t live always trying to get the next high. I couldn’t end up in a hospital again. I decided then that I was not only going to be abstinent I was also going to work the program.
Working the program is not easy. It forces you to really look at yourself. It makes you feel emotions you haven’t felt in a long time. At the basic text says “we lived to use and used to live.” No matter what emotion I was having I’d mask it with using. Take the drugs away and the flood gates open.
Today I got my orange 30 day chip and although it’s been hell, getting that chip made me want to work harder and get the next chip.
Here you will watch my transformation and my journey. It won’t be all rainbows and butterflies. It will be a real depiction of someone recovering from mental illness, bulimia and drug addiction.