I Cried 

May 18th I finally cried. I couldn’t handle living in my place. I was upset about my weight gain. I felt frustrated because I felt that my fiancé was beginning to move on with her life and I was stuck. I couldn’t handle all the different emotions I was feeling and all of a sudden I started crying. 

I called my sponsor because I felt that living in recovery wasn’t worth it. At that point I felt that my entire life was falling apart. My sponsor walked me through my feelings and calmed me down. She reminded me of the importance of meditation and praying to my higher power. She also stated that she felt I needed to move because my place was beginning to be detrimental to my recovery. My counselor agreed. 

I’m glad that I didn’t act out on any of my urges. How would self-destructing help the situation? All it would have done is push my recovery back and hurt me. This is something that I need to constantly remind myself of. 

At this point in my life I’m the healthiest I’ve been in many years. Why would I want to mess with that? I don’t want to be miserable which means I have to continue to take care of myself. 

35 days clean

I hate the weekends most. It’s the time I used the most. It’s the time I’d mix my drugs to see how messed up I could get. I’d go out, go to shows. I ended up getting into the “in crowd” where I’d sit in the VIP rooms hanging out with the headliner. The life I was leading seemed glamorous.

My fiancé doesn’t live with me right now because she too used. We used together. Not only on weekends but also throughout the week. We couldn’t even leave our professional  jobs without using.

Now that I’m living clean my life has become more low key. Now that my fiancé isn’t living at home my life is quiet.

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder it should be noted that one of  the symptoms is not being able to be alone. Being alone makes me feel abandoned even if it’s an irrational feeling. Having the disorder, being alone, especially trying to go through recovery from a drug addiction, is making it that much more difficult.

My fiancé is living with my boss. In my mind, my boss has chosen her recovery over my own. She knows how much pain I’m in because of it but doesnt seem to care. As long as my fiancé is working on her recovery she’s happy.

They say I should be focusing on my own recovery at this point. I am. I’ve done more work than I think they realized. And I’ve done it by reaching out to people. I’ve done it by myself. I don’t have someone guiding me through every moment. My sponsor told me that if my fiancé is having her recovery handed to her than it won’t last. My recovery is definitely going to last because I’m doing it through my own motivation.

I should give myself more credit. I was released on 1/17/17 from the hospital. I came out with a Bipolar and Borderline diagnosis. I had relapsed with bulimia and was being told by my treatment team that I should consider looking into drug treatment. Here I am 4/7/17 recovering, living on my own and working full time. No one is holding my hand. I’m doing it. With that being said I’m so exhausted all the time. Every day, every moment I’m fighting. The thing is I’m fighting to take my life back. I’m fighting to find myself.

30 Days Clean

Who would have thought going into a party on New Years Eve that the year 2017 was the year that my whole life would change? I certainly didn’t. I was used to the party scene every weekend, using drugs on the daily, experiencing a emotional roller coaster and trying to combat a relapse from my eating disorder. The last thing I thought going into the new year was that I was a drug addict. 

When you think of drug addicts you think of people shooting up. I wasn’t that type of addict so how could I be a drug addict? This was the dilemma I had when my fiancé said she was getting clean. Within days of getting clean I had to be hospitalized for a psychosis that had gradually been coming on for about two months. It was in that hospital I learned I not only had Bipolar but that I also had what insurance companies call a lost cause aka Borderline Personality Disorder. 

I went through a detox and still didn’t think I was an addict. Every so often my fiancé would drag me to an NA meeting and I’d think “I’m not like these people.” The problem was my addiction didn’t want me to think I was like them when really I was. 

At 40 days abstinent I had less than a shot of vodka in a drink and that was the end of it. I spiraled out of control. It was only then that I played the whole tape through. 

Over the last two years my house looked like a crack house. We didn’t have any food in the house and our living room was filled with illicit drugs and there was empty alcohol bottles scattered along the floor. But even knowing that I still didn’t think I was an addict. Then I started remembering doing lines of cocaine off my desk at work, going on adderall binges and creating drug concoctions on the daily. What made me realize that I may have a problem was when I sat in my house alone and prepared myself to shoot up. When did drugs not become fun anymore? 

My fiancé couldn’t stand being around me. I was having personality changes as quickly as a hummingbirds wings. There’d be weeks I couldn’t sleep and become irritable as all hell. Then there’d be times I was supportive of her clean time. Problem was she never knew who she was getting. 

My fiancé also struggles with Bipolar and a severe case of ADHD. She had stopped taking her medication and shot into a debilitating mania. For weeks she wouldn’t come home at night. Her not being around I had ample amounts of time to think about my drug use and where it had gotten me. 

March 4th I walked into an NA meeting on my own by myself and decided then that I needed to get clean. I couldn’t do the same shit anymore. I couldn’t live always trying to get the next high. I couldn’t end up in a hospital again. I decided then that I was not only going to be abstinent I was also going to work the program. 

Working the program is not easy. It forces you to really look at yourself. It makes you feel emotions you haven’t felt in a long time. At the basic text says “we lived to use and used to live.” No matter what emotion I was having I’d mask it with using. Take the drugs away and the flood gates open. 

Today I got my orange 30 day chip and although it’s been hell, getting that chip made me want to work harder and get the next chip. 

Here you will watch my transformation and my journey. It won’t be all rainbows and butterflies. It will be a real depiction of someone recovering from mental illness, bulimia and drug addiction.