Having Difficulties

In recovery there will be times when things can get difficult. I'm coming up on 6 months clean and I'm having a very difficult time.

Now that I have some time, I believe that I can have control over using. I feel like I can drink and use pot without doing other things. They say if you have this thought process your reserving space for a relapse.

I want to feel rebellious again. I wanna have this feeling like "fuck the man!" Not only that but I'm now HUGE! I mean to the point where I want to resort to anything to get this weight off. Everyone thinks I look healthy but all I see is 50lbs that need to be shed. I even talked to my counselor about it but she was more concerned about the fact that I'm experiencing a lot of dissociation.

I just don't know how to handle everything. I feel like I've lost all control. That my world is just going on all by itself and I have no say.