It takes me forever to get dressed. Everything I put on I see bulging. I need to invest in big clothes so people can't see how big I've become.
I've cut my calories in half over the past few weeks and yet I'm still a cow. Today I've eaten 300 calories. I'm at my fiancée family dinner. Not sure I'll get away with getting rid of it. So I'll have to work it off.
By Christmas I wanna be thin again. I'll go so far as buy supplements to reduce my appetite.
I'm planning an ED relapse. My meds have caused A LOT of it so I'm going to stop taking those. People say they don't really do anything for me anyway so I should test it.
Lunch: nothing (if I have to I'll eat and then purge it at work)
Dinner: just a little so my fiancé doesn't expect anything. If she leaves then I'll purge it.
Exercise: walk/run every day.
Diet pills: a must. Multiple times a day
I NEED to lose 20lbs so that I can fit back into my clothes again.
Eating disorder recovery is NOT about getting fat and being ok with it. It's becoming healthy and yet my fucking meds have me turning into my fat ass mother! That will NOT be me. I'll make myself crazy before that happens.
In recovery there will be times when things can get difficult. I'm coming up on 6 months clean and I'm having a very difficult time.
Now that I have some time, I believe that I can have control over using. I feel like I can drink and use pot without doing other things. They say if you have this thought process your reserving space for a relapse.
I want to feel rebellious again. I wanna have this feeling like "fuck the man!" Not only that but I'm now HUGE! I mean to the point where I want to resort to anything to get this weight off. Everyone thinks I look healthy but all I see is 50lbs that need to be shed. I even talked to my counselor about it but she was more concerned about the fact that I'm experiencing a lot of dissociation.
I just don't know how to handle everything. I feel like I've lost all control. That my world is just going on all by itself and I have no say.
Today: fiancé caused me to be 45 min late to work.
Work: program not up and running. Awaiting benefits exam results. A coworker/program partner is a charged thief and forger and in the middle of a court case for stealing medications. Causing paranoia in me that she'll steal something from me. Has only been employed a week and hasn't worked a full week yet.
Medical: frequent nosebleeds. Headaches. Elbow and wrist pain from them being broken a few years back. Bursa in my foot.
Weight: heaviest I've ever been in my life. People think I look great.
Addiction: feeling like I don't qualify. Garbage can addict.
That's enough to cause anyone anxiety. For me I have a generalized anxiety disorder so all of that is causing me to go overboard. Not only because I have those things going on but just the day to day anxiety. I talked to my doctor about it and he put me back on Ativan. So now I have to worry about my fiancé not getting into that.
There's so much going on I'm trying to keep it together. I feel like I'm slipping into a depression. I just want to be ok. I hate that there's always a battle in my head. All I want is to be healthy and happy.
They say in recovery that there are times in early recovery where you ride on this pink cloud and feel like “I got this.” The urges to use aren’t something that really take a toll on you and you can usually handle them.
I most definitely was riding on a pink cloud. Mine has now popped and blown away. The urges to use are extreme. Thinking about using gets me excited. I see bottles with controlled substance stickers on them and instantly want to see if it’s my drug of choice…or something better.
Songs, shows or discussion in meetings about angel dust get me going really bad. I start thinking about how I’ll get some and/or how I’ll combine them with other things. I think about how all the weight I’ve gained will come off quickly.
That’s the next thing. I’ve gained a substantial amount of weight. My counselor is helping me to eat right but all I see is a growing belly and big thighs. My head keeps screaming at me about my weight gain and how I need to shed some of it. I keep trying to wake up in the morning to exercise but I can never seem to get up. This stupid medication works wonders for my mental illness but for my weight it kills me. I’ve even thought about getting those vitamins that curb your appetite, at least until I can control my eating urges.
I’ve told myself that once my Ben and Jerrys ice cream is gone (there’s not much left) that I’ll go on a detox to jump start my system.
I NEED to have overall wellness. I have to take it seriously so I can live a good life and start a family.
Although I haven’t really been able to feel a whole lot recently I did, unfortunately, weigh myself and took my measurements. Anyone in recovery from and eating disorder, do NOT do this to yourself. You will instantly be furious with yourself and want to start up with your behaviors all over again.
I discussed this with my counselor today. I told her that I want to have a baby within the next few years. The issue is I can’t engage in behaviors that could damage myself if I want to have a healthy mindset and body. We discussed things I could do moving forward.
Her suggestion was that I come up with a food plan that will keep my body healthy but also to maintain my weight within the healthy range. She also suggested that I speak with my psychiatrist about me wanting to have a child within the next few years. It gave me hope and something to strive for. I just need to remember that I need to take care of myself now so that I can be the best mom I can be later.
I still haven’t been able to feel much as of late. I sense that I’m depressed due to my lack of motivation and being considerably tired all the time. I went to my NA home group on Monday and celebrated 60 days…although I’m 69 days clean. While there I shared and asked for “experience, strength and hope.” The most I got from them was one woman who hadn’t cried in almost two years during her early recovery. Other people stated how they are “emotional roller coasters.” During my first 45 days I was an emotional wreck. I was so depressed that I’d lay on my bathroom floor for hours crying and barely able to move. Then all of a sudden it stopped.
I’m not a doctor. I’m only a masters student in clinical mental health. But from the research I’ve conducted my body has gone into “protective mode.” It means subconsciously my mind felt it was feeling too much so it decided to not allow me to feel anything at all. It’s frustrating because I don’t know how to tell myself that it’s ok to feel. That I’ve learned tools over the last five months that could help me through some of those feelings. What I’m nervous about is when i eventually explode with all the emotions that have been building up.
Looking back I mostly definitely looked forward to using when I went into these states because although I may not have been able to feel emotions, I could at least feel high. The tough part is having to endure this clean and without the support of my eating disorder.
Going back to using wouldn’t kill me right away. Relapsing with my eating disorder will. Regardless both could lead me to institutions or death. I’m not currently feeling suicidal at all.
I see my counselor on Saturday. I will discuss some of what’s been going on. Maybe she’ll find ways to help my mind stop utilizing this method of protection.
All I can do right now is stay focused on my recovery and learn as I go along.