Numb

Part of the reason I engaged in self-destructive behaviors is because there would be times when all I left was numb. And all I wanted to do was feel something. This week has been one of those times. All week it has been a struggle to remain in a recovery mindset. Such a struggle that I am exhausted from keeping myself in recovery. 

I’ve definitely been tempted to go ahead and disregard recovery all together. Then there were times when I said “I’ll just stay in recovery from drugs, but I can resume my eating disorder behaviors.” And then I met someone who is going through a physical illness and is so thin it’s painful to look at. That got my mind racing. Since amphetimeans were a big issue for me I thought of resuming them so I could be that thin. 

I had to do a lot of reaching out this week. Ana was talking so loudly. And then when I wouldn’t listen Mia started to drop hints of times I could compensate for my food intake. In turn I wasn’t sleeping well or at all and so that just wanted to make me use. 

My OCD has been really bad lately probably because I can’t utilize my other ways of dealing with the anxiety I have. The medication they use to treat it can’t be upped in risk of putting me into a manic psychosis. Due to my sleep problems I did get put on a non addicting medication to help with that. I should have that medication by early next week. The hope is that it’ll help with sleep and lower the compulsions I’m having. 

What im beginning to learn is that recovery is a balancing act. It’s definitely not easy but with everything I’ve read and heard, recovery is worth it. 

First Sober Holiday

(Me on the left, Brittany on the right)

Today was the first holiday that my fiancé and I were clean for. That hasn’t happened in many years. We always thought we were hiding it well but looking back at pictures, anyone with a brain could tell we were on something. 

We got in the car this morning, our vapes in hand, ready for what the day would hold. Before leaving the driveway we decided that no matter what happened today we were going to go to an NA meeting. 

Shockingly my family did wonderfully! They hugged Brittany and they complimented us on not only how we dressed but how we actually looked. It felt good. We weren’t just putting on a show, we were actually present. We ate…a lot. I wasn’t thrilled with myself…with that being said I declined a drink my father offered me. 

We then went to brittanys step family. While there one of her step fathers brother in law stated that drug addicts deserve what they get. That hurt. What is it that I deserve? Do I deserve to die because I was self-medicating myself? Do I deserve to be homeless because my head got out of control? What exactly do I deserve? 

Of course that family is Italian so there was A LOT of food. To be nice, I ate again… After hearing that I deserved everything I get to me I instantly planned on going on a binge purge spree. I figured I’ll go to the NA meeting so that I don’t get high but after I’m going to do what I want…since that’s what I deserve. Then it hit me, do I really deserve to punish myself? What has my body done to me?

Over the last few days I’ve definitely struggled with my body. I have gained a lot of weight since leaving the hospital and it’s scary to me. I don’t like how I look, I feel like 100lbs bigger than I am. It could be because I was stressing about the holiday or that I’ve met a person in the full thros of bulimia. 

The thing about eating disorders is that they get competitive. Everyone wants to be the thinnest by any means possible. The sick part of my brain says “now that your clean you can pay more attention to your eating disorder” and “your thinner than [said woman] but prove to her that your a better/stronger bulimic.” All of those thoughts are my addictive brain trying to find its way back into my life. 

January 6 is the last time I engaged in eating disorder behaviors. In the hospital I decided to eat healthy. I ate all the meals to the best I could and didn’t do anything to compensate. I felt like I was accomplishing something. After leaving the hospital I maintained the regime. I kept that work up and relapsed on drugs. 

On March 4 I didn’t just decide to be clean. I decided to start recovery, in all areas of my life. Yes! It is a constant struggle and some days I just want to say “the hell with it all” But all these ways I’ve tried to deal with emotions have lead me no where except more pain. 

I just have to remind myself to live one day at a time and to appreciate that I have emotions for a reason.